Me, Myself and I

I used to sit around and feel sorry for myself because everybody seemed to be doing something or have places to go. I always felt like I didn’t have enough friends or wasn’t friends with the right ones. I would sit back and feel sorry for myself and wonder why I wasn’t getting invited or how can I position myself to get invited. Upon further investigation I realized that many of the times even if I was invited it wasn’t necessarily something I wanted to do and I didn’t always care for the people that were doing whatever. I also decided that instead of waiting to be included in some plan or event I would just go anyway. If there was some place I wanted to go and I couldn’t find anyone interested in going with me I would just go alone.

When I first decided to try this out I would make a plan and then at the last minute back out or chicken out. Over time I started with easy things that weren’t too threatening and then I got a little more comfortable. As I got better at it instead of feeling uncomfortable, I kind of grew to like it. I leave when I want, I stay as long as I want, I move around the place where I want to and I can go home when I want to. There is no one else to consider but me, myself and I. The three of us have a great time and always agree on things. It’s a perfect back up plan and it beats sitting home missing out and feeling sorry for myself.

It Isn’t What You Think

I have been trying to think my way out of things for a lifetime. I recently came to the conclusion that I was a feeler born into a thinking world and that’s whats been so difficult. When I pondered it further I realize it isn’t what you think because it’s what you feel that matters. I would discount my feelings, numb them or ignore them and try to think my way to an answer, which is destined to fail because my inner critic is ruthless. Who wouldn’t want to quiet that voice but, it was so load and relentless there wasn’t enough drugs, alcohol or food to ease it. I loved it when I read Eckhart Tolle say something to the effect that we are no more responsible for our thoughts than we are our breathing. What a refreshing and relieving notion. Thoughts just come, it’s the meaning we attach to them that causes our emotions and influence our vibration. Over the years I have come up with little games or tools or self talk to negotiate with the thoughts to influence them to something more pleasant. Today’s little exercise is questioning whether that negative thought is true. Once I investigate it a bit I can usually find the lie. So instead of buying into the lie or discounting my feelings, I disregard the thought and let it pass. I spend a lot more time noticing what is true and appreciating where I’m at. Make peace with where you’re at….

Triggers

I am aware that there are people in my life who unknowingly have the ability to cause me to shrink. My challenge these days is to continue to challenge those thoughts, and that’s all they are, and take back or keep my power. As the days grow closer to going to the Abraham seminar in LA this weekend and the cruise next month, I am reminded in a somewhat uncomfortable way of some possible triggers or button pushers that I may see at either or both seminars.

Andrea is someone I have known for several years and at one time we were close. During the Mexican cruise it seemed as though something had changed. Many times since the cruise I have emailed her or called her and she never returned my calls. I don’t know what happened to cause her to shift away from me and I may never know. I think bigger than that is the fact that it isn’t important and shouldn’t matter to me. My head wants to go to what I did wrong or what I could have done differently and I have done an inventory and I am clear. Andrea is a powerful presence and knows a lot of people, is connected with a lot of people and that alone is a little intimidating. It was nice when we were friends but I still felt a little less than. It was never anything she did it was just in my head.

I have wrestled with over time and continue to want to challenge those thoughts. I found her today on Facebook and she did accept my friend request so my goal is to “let it go” and get out of my head about what she does or what she thinks. I have no doubt that I will see her as she goes to all the seminars that are in So Cal and she does all the cruises. It is sort of like I want to be in with the in crowd and I use her as an excuse to be small.

I want to enjoy myself, stay in the Vortex, keep my vibration high and have a great time connecting and enjoying my time there without being affected by what someone else does.

Re-framing

“The realization that something is not as you want it to be is an important first step, but once you have identified that, the faster you are able to turn your attention in the direction of a solution, the better, because a continuing exploration of the problem will prevent you from finding the solution. The problem is a different vibrational frequency than the solution and all thoughts (or vibrations) are affected by (or managed by) the Law of Attraction.”

Excerpted from Money and the Law of Attraction 3/31/09

Thoughts are tricky things to change and internal dialogue can be so familiar and comfortable that you don’t even notice that you keep internalizing the same message and it isn’t always a healthy one. Today with the help of my coach I noticed that changing the thought that I have ADHD or crazy thinking to thinking of myself as a high frequency thinker not only feels better but I feel better describes what I am experiencing. It also sets me apart a bit but in a good way not a negative or flawed way as the other message feels like.

The other thought that I can re-frame is the idea that when in the company of others and I am silent on a topic or silent in ownership of who I truly am and how I feel. Instead of feeling insecure, inferior or like I might be judged I can just acknowledge the fact that I may not be in the company of individuals who can hear what I am saying as they might be vibrating at a different set point. The choice to stay silent is not because of feeling less than but because I may not be in the company that can hear me or find any benefit.

Breathe

There are two things that we would encourage you to do in terms of action.

Sit every day for 15 minutes with the intention of filling your body full of
air. Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. Just
breathe!

That’s your assignment. 15 minutes of breathing. 15 minutes of in and out, in
and out and appreciation for this delicious oxygen. In and out, in and out,
breathing, breathing, breathing.

If you would just do that, your chaotic world would smooth out. It would.

Just by focusing on breathing for 15 minutes every day. 15 minutes of
breathing, really breathing. Breathing with the idea of filling my body,
filling my lungs so that my lungs can transport the oxygen and all if its life
giving properties to the extremities of my body. Breathing.

If you are running or if you are moving your body, you are doing it
automatically.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. It is the excercise of allowing
above ALL exercises of allowing.

In other words, the air is there for you, the wellbeing is there for you, Source
energy has lined everything up for you. Just breathe yourself into receiving
the fullness.

No chaos there! Just breathe. It is the most natural thing in the world. You
are worthy and loved and brilliant. And life has caused you to launch so many
rockets that are right there, ready to come into fruition. Just breathe them
into being!

And then, after you breathe for 15 minutes every day for awhile, then use that
time to breathe and love me. Breathe and love me. Breathe and love the air and breathe and love my body. Breathe and love my nose. Breathe and love my lungs. Breathe and love my physical mechanism.

Breathe and love. Breathe and love. And after you have done that for a few
days, breathe and love that one over there. And breathe and love that one over
there.

And before you know it, the chaos which was just the result of too many things
activated within you line right up to the perfect picture that you have been
accumulating over many, many years, that Source energy has already become. And suddenly you begin noticing that who you have become in terms of nonphysical energy you just begin becoming in terms of manifestation. You just become it.

And when people say, “How did you do it, was it hard?” You say, “It was as easy as breathing. Really!”

Phoenix 3/11/06

What if….

Having a moment of sadness today. I decided to activate my profile again on the personals. It is just as depressing as I remember. There are a lot of the same people that have been there forever, including me. I just don’t know if it is the right thing for me to be on there and in terms of feelings it does not make me feel good to be on there.

My sadness if from trying to force something that is not what I want. What I want is to be with Troy and I know that may never be. I don’t want to wait for him and to feel like I am waiting on him but the truth is that is who I want to be with. I will never forget when I was on the plane two years ago flying back from my Abraham cruise knowing he was going to be there to pick me up and I honestly heard an audible voice. I have never heard anything like that before and the plane filled with warm yellow light and the voice said “it’s him”. I can’t shake that memory and that’s why getting emails from men who are not him is sadly depressing.

Letter to Lesley

I think that another reason that things are a little more painful for me when I am not doing whatever it is I am supposed to be doing is because I see peoples pain and know what it is before they tell me. This morning I went to yoga and in the class was another instructor Lisa, who I also take classes from. I picked up on her feelings and I asked her if she wanted to chat after. She was commenting on her feelings about balling her eyes out during the class and what students must think. She is a beautiful young woman, maybe late 20′s, she is an environmental scientist, she is a recovering drug and food addict. I found her on Facebook and sent her this. I send you this not to brag but for you to remind me not to play small…. Love you.

Lisa,
I was thinking of you on the way home. I just wanted to share that while you may be feeling a little low today, your courage to show up and do what you needed to do for yourself and putting yourself first by letting it all hang out is the highest form of raw inspiration you can show your students.

You continue to radiate beauty grace, enlightenment, joy and love. You give yourself freely and have a genuine desire to teach and inspire others to overcome their circumstances, which I believe comes from your knowing and experiencing that for yourself.
You can’t teach what you don’t know.

I was listening to Abraham on my way home and this little nugget jumped out at me… The wonderful way you feel when you are in love and in relationship is really about the way you feel when you are aligned with your true self. The pain of the breakup is not from the loss of the lover but the loss of the connection with self.

The goal, in my opinion, is to master the lining up without it being dependent on anyone or anything. That is the work.

You are amazing!!!

Today’s Epiphany

January 24, 2011 3:19 PM (319 more evidence of alignment with this thought)

I have been really looking at my two greatest areas of challenge which are weight and relationships and I cannot think of any stone of trying I have left unturned on either subject. All the focusing and work I do on those subjects just seems to frustrate me and exhaust me when things still don’t work out. As with all of the Abraham work the thing that you consistently hear on any subject is that my primary focus should be on making myself feel good. Using my emotions as guidance as to whether something feels good or feels bad. This is what they were saying this morning when I was listening to the Think and Get Slim CD’s.

The woman was in 12 Step recovery for her eating and still had weight to lose. She had lists of reasons why she got fat and why she was still fat. All through the CD they talk about whatever you expect and believe about food or weight is how your body will react. If you don’t believe that’s true then watch a thin person eat. She said it was recommended to her to go back and do some inner child work. Here is what Abraham said about that.
We don’t want you to go back there and figure that stuff out because the minute you go back and look at it, first of all, you’ve turned upstream and you activate it stronger and stronger. We really don’t see the point of that. We think it is ever more helpful to take the clues from what’s happening in your powerful now and do something about shifting the way you are feeling now by using the resources of your mind now. You can’t go back and change those circumstances but you can change your vibrational offering now. The manifestation will shift as soon as the vibration shifts. How you feel now is your point of attraction.

What words would you use to describe the way weighing more feels…. Unattractive, undesirable, powerless, out of control, heavy, restrictive. (My words here not hers). They went on to say that they thought it was overkill and not applicable today because she would not have had the success she has had and that today it is really just about fine tuning. You’re not cleaning up heavy vibration, your cleaning up much lighter vibration than that. You don’t have to go back and dig things up because they are present in your now and going back entrenches it stronger. So when I do go back and look at that writing it is really activating those old vibrations. I even had the thought of gathering it and shredding it rather than pouring over it. I believe that whatever inspiration will come whether I am sifting through the painful garbage or not.

They asked her to describe again and she whittled it down to “it feels like I’m carrying too much stuff” and went on to ask “is that a familiar personality trait of yours?” Ha, go figure…. Do you think you can continue to carry all those people and their problems and not have it be present in your vibration? Well you can’t. The work is not about the physical body, that’s just an indicator. The work is about the vibration that caused those manifestations. The work is about feeling differently in those situations by logically saying “it’s not my job to fix those people”. When the feeling of lifting all that responsibility is lifted off of you the extra weight will lift off of you. This feels right to me because that is what I do, medicate and I have a lot of outside influences that I have in my vibration. I want to take a chance and try to learn to do it this way and it feels right to try this and it feels right that it will work. One of my problems is thinking too much. I also want to make a regular practice of meditating for 15-20 minutes like it said in the exercise I have from them.
One by one sift through things and move them to a better feeling place. I would imagine that relationships are tied into this as well and so by practicing this on either and all subjects I should find success. I also think that the focusing on the breathing during the mediation will build a habit and a tool that I can use when I find myself minding someone else’s business or expecting someone to act differently or any other negative emotion. See myself through the eyes of source which is never critical. The vibration has to be about where you’re going.

Stepping Out

We were asked in my bootcamp to bring in our vision boards if we have them to share with the class. As of Tuesday no one had done the exercise. I had one from before and it caused me to go look for it and add a couple of things to it. I am going to bring it to class today. I like it and I want to show it off. Usually, those thoughts fall short and I shrink away thinking no one will like it or they will think I am some kind of show off or teachers pet, whatever. I decided I am going to push past those thoughts and bring it anyway. I can’t expect others to follow me if I am not willing to step out with my own courage and do the uncomfortable. So many of my thoughts are nonsense or mind garbage. I am doing it for me and anyone else it might help to make a vision board. Other than that, other people’s thoughts are none of my business, right.

Releasing Resistance

Now that’s a tough one… Releasing resistance is a double-edged sword for me. Let’s take yesterday for instance. I went to step class in the morning and then was invited to watch football downtown at this bar/tavern, kind of a hole in the wall. So I resist the urge to hurry and be there on time. It seems like I am always hurrying and I try to stop when I am conscious of it and ask myself why am I hurrying. I think I am just wired that way and I like it because I think it keeps me young. I have more energy than just about anyone I know but for sure more than anyone I know in my age range. Anyway, so I resist the urge to get ready fast and just take my time and pack a bag just in case something comes up and I want to just be in the moment and go somewhere else. I didn’t want me not having what I need with me as my excuse to not do whatever. Just to clear that up I am planning on leaving a bag in the car or taking a bag with me so I can be in the moment at any time.

So I go and there is my friend Mike and some other old guys just hanging out watching the game. It wasn’t exactly my ideal crowd but hea I didn’t have a plan anyway except to watch football and I was available if anything else came up. I was doing fine and drinking water and diet coke then I decide to eat a pretzel which was releasing resistance to having them sit in front of me and not eat them. I intentionally ate lunch before I went so I wouldn’t eat too much junk there. I ended up being there six hours because there was two games. I had fun in a low-key way. I had popcorn, french bread, a drink, a piece of chicken and some pretzels. I was sitting there contemplating what I wanted to eat when I got home and what was I going to stop and get on the way home.

I don’t want to spend a lot of time dissecting this too much. Here is the bottom line. I ate some junk I didn’t commit to eating while I was there but I was having a good time and I didn’t want to sit there feeling uncomfortable and wanting to eat the stuff but resisting it. I was very “in the moment” aware of what I was doing and the whole evening. I went home after going to the store, ate the stuff I bought, watched the movies I rented and went to bed and had a great nights sleep. Today I feel great, I don’t feel bad and want to continue eating crap and beating myself up. I am relaxing watching more football and planning on eating less and getting back on track tomorrow with my food.

It’s funny because I don’t feel like I know what “normal eating” people do so I don’t really know how to look at all this in what might be considered a healthy way but here I go. It happened, I am moving on, I am looking at why I do it, I am trying to have more healthy eating days which will automatically lessen the number of unhealthy eating days. I feel great today and I am grateful to feel good. I am not sure what the rest of this day holds for me but I will let you know….